Gazing into Love
in and over to the bed. She is
very beautiful. She lies down next to me.
I am thinking we are just friends so why is she doing this.
Then she leans over and kisses me intimately and strokes
my face. She says she wants more.
I am confused and not sure what to do. I tell her no and
she gets out of bed and walks out of the room.
My practice from this dream is to feel the desire of the woman for me and to notice when I feel tricked. What is underneath this feeling? Fear that I will be hurt or rejected. And yes in my life I have felt hurt, rejected and judged when I opened to love.
As a result I distrust so many, isolating myself from the love they offer. And yet I feel a deep longing to know love. And with similar interest, as I have wandered the landscape of my Druid practice I feel the same fear and longing for the love of Gaia too. The primary reason I stepped into my current dreamwork practice was my desire to break through the blocks that kept me from feeling her love. The reality is that this experience of being in relationship already exists all I need to do is tap into it. Be in it. Something I seem to struggle with.
My dreams tell me at every step that I push away whether the woman or the earth. It seems easier to reject before one is rejected. I have learned this. Yet am I am hurting myself by denying her love? And in some way by denying the love of the earth am I acting in a harmful way to both her and myself too? This is not said to judge myself but to acknowledge and challenge my own thinking. In my effort to feel safety from hurt I continue to feel the hurt. Hiding or denying does not eliminate the pain. in some ways it increases it.
In my effort to hide from the grief and anger of my own trauma I have continued to bandage a wound that has not been allowed to heal completely. What do they say that at some point you need to take the bandage off and let the air get at it, let this element of Gaia share her healing love. It is the cycle of life of sharing who we are with one another that allows life to be nurtured, healed and evolved. That there is death in the birth and birth in the death. That we cannot deny the pain in order to heal. And in order to heal we must be open to the energy of awareness and relationship to other. Open to this exchange of energy to thrive.
So the point of my practice is to let the energy exchange occur in whatever form is possible for me right now without expectation. This is the wisdom of the dreams. To be with the woman next to me in bed, gazing upon her lying there without expectations for what comes next.
Sit by the edge of the brook and gaze upon the water without expectations and notice what happens.
What if I let the same thing be done to me, to be gazed upon by the water and her? What would I feel then? What will this exchange feel like?
What if the whole point of this moment is about gazing into myself? The truth is that I am the woman as I am also the wild primal self that is of the earth. And in this process of experiencing the woman and the water I am learning to feel self-love as I feel the love of the earth.